| Semester At Bernie's
January 27, 2021
No, this isn't a reference to the damn grumpy Bernie meme. I want to say this is a reference to the original Bernie, but I think Sanders predates Lomax in American culture. Hell, Sanders may pre-date Colonel Sanders in American culture.
But, I digress.
A student learned that his online professor has been dead for two years. I first learned of this from The Chronicle of Higher Ed which features a full-length article on the story. The Chronicle hides it behind its paywall, because, after all, why should only Montreal Concordia University profit from their dead professor?
If you can, access the story through a college or library account, and you will discover that Professor "Bernie" was supported by a "teaching assistant" who also hadn't been informed that his boss was deceased. My oh my, the decaying state of higher education. The course in question is a history of art course, maybe about as dead a field as one could imagine in today's anti-intellectual world.
Given that I am not getting any younger, I better act quickly. I post now my EDUC499 Seminar "Higher Education Ruins: Practical Explorations," known more commonly as the "HERPES Seminar." Feel free to use this accompanying syllabus. All residuals can be sent to my son.
Week One: Student Satisfaction And The Beating of Common Sense.
Readings:
Discussion Board Assignment: Identify 5 criteria that can make for useful student feedback in evaluating their college experience.
Dead Dr. Fleming automated responses:
- That does not qualify as a worthy post.
- You might be onto something. Please elaborate.
- Other students: do you agree with these criteria? Please respond with a worthy post.
Week Two: The Devil's in the Details, Sometimes called the Registrar's Office.
Readings:
Discussion Board Assignment: Compare and contrast two methodologies for assessing clock time and student learning. Justify one over the other.
Dead Dr. Fleming automated responses:
- That does not qualify as a worthy post.
- You might be onto something. Please elaborate.
- Please cite your sources more clearly. No credit (hours, minutes or seconds).
Week Three: Call It What You Want, Concurrent, Early College, Middle College, It's A Dual to the Death.
Readings:
Discussion Board Assignment: Briefly elucidate any fallacy associated with any of these terms: dual enrollment; early college; middle college; concurrent enrollment.
Dead Dr. Fleming automated responses:
- Go look up the word "elucidate" and revise your post.
- Go look up the word "fallacy" and revise your post. -3 points for the phallus reference.
- Excellent response. Let me guess, you were home-schooled.
Week Four: Higher Level Thinking & Higher Education: The Double Paradox.
Readings:
Discussion Board Assignment: Create a SWOT of your efforts in this class. Each category must have at least three items.
Dead Dr. Fleming automated responses:
- Yes, I know there were 4 readings this week. You can't list that as a threat. Suck it up, buttercup.
- Being too smart for the course is not a valid weakness. Let me guess, you were in the MBA program previously, weren't you?
- Nice picture of your dog. No extra points.
Week Five: Filibuster Failures: Government Interference in Higher Ed.
Readings:
Discussion Board Assignment: Choose a college or university outside of the United States of America and elaborate on how lack of government interference has allowed it to be successful.
Dead Dr. Fleming automated responses:
- Jesus Christ, it is Week Five, this does not qualify as a worthy post.
- Read your syllabus.
- Have you misplaced your organ grinder?
Week Six: Show Me The Money. The Foundation of This Class.
Readings:
Discussion Board Assignment: How many students are left in this class? Calculate how much each of you will have to donate to this college upon graduation to fund one full-pay scholarship. (Note, this will require additional research into the history of the college's tuition increases. Good luck.)
Dead Dr. Fleming automated responses:
- As the only student left in this class, you got off easy with the math.
- I am sorry to inform you that you have misunderstood tuition discounting theory. Make an appointment with my TA during his or her office hours.
- Make all checks out to Lincoln Fleming.
Week Seven: It All Comes To This: Assessment
Readings:
Discussion Board Assignment: Create a Strategic Plan of Evaluation for the rest of your life. Points deducted for profanity.
Dead Dr. Fleming automated responses:
- Points off for profanity. F*cking ironic, ain't it?
- Your Strategic Plan of Evaluation lacks measurable goals. Please revise for the sixth time.
- Nice job. 85/100.
And then it's over. Don't complain that it is only a seven-week course. The college wants to run this course 7 more times this year.
My Teaching Assistant will submit the final grades at some point. Direct all complaints to the pronoun they go by.
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