| The Straight Poop
February 6, 2012: The Straight Poop
I can go weeks struggling to find an interesting topic in higher education to blog about, and then all of a sudden the clouds can part, and I can be showered with manna from heaven. This is the case today, when Inside Higher Ed publishes the too-good-to-be-true Well Endowed, describing Colleges and Universities giving naming rights to potential donors for restrooms. Tear down that wall, Mr. Gorbachev. Chop down that tree, Mr. Washington. I've got a fever and the only prescription is more porcelain.
First off, I have developed a whole new appreciation for Inside Higher Ed, which until now has seemed too strait-laced for me. With a paragraph like the following, they should win a Pulitzer:
As first reported by Above the Law, Harvard Law School recently opened the Falik Men’s Room. Like tuition, bathrooms seem to cost more in Cambridge. William Falik told Above the Law he received the honor – if you want to call it that – after donating $100,000 to his alma mater to create a public interest fellowship in his father's honor. Falik didn’t return messages from Inside Higher Ed seeking comment, but his office voicemail confirmed that his surname is pronounced exactly as it’s spelled. With a gift of that size, Harvard Law's dean for development and alumni relations Steven Oliveira said he was happy to play along with Falik's wishes.
Upon closer scrutiny, it may be the donors who really appreciate the bathroom humor. I suppose that it is a case where once you are informed about the opportunity, you decide you're in all the way. (Grunt if you get it.) That certainly describes Michael Zinman who donated money for a restroom at University of Pennsylvania ("I believe that should be The U of P, kind sir"), who requested his restroom plaque read, “The relief you are now experiencing is made possible by a gift from Michael Zinman.” I respect Zinman's intestinal fortitude.
Just how desperate is university and college fund-raising these days. Is the pressure so great from Boards and Presidents that the fund-raiser would even offer short-term naming rights for smaller amounts of cash to cover Porta-potties that may arise during the construction of a new residence hall or a football stadium? ("Outside of the skeleton of Don Knotts' Field you can find the Dave Fleming Porta-Potty. Lightweight construction named after a lightweight alum.")
And you knew I was going to go here (well, not in the way this blog might suggest). Think of these naming possibilities:
The Oxford University Elton John John
The Trine College Jack LaLanne Latrine
Wheaton College's Lesley Stahl Stall
The University of Berlin Otto Van Bismarck Sinks
The University of Paris Jacqueline Bisset Bidet
The Marshall University Peter Osterhaus Outhouse
The University of Adelaide Tony Dungy Dunny
The University of California, Los Angeles Marilyn Chambers Pot
And so, in closing, if puns are the lowest form of humor, bathroom humor puns must be really low (perhaps sinking to the bowels of the earth), I suspect this blog has not raised anyone's esteem of me. If it helps, merely consider this a chunk of an It's All Academic sequel, where Howard Shue and Mark Carter poke fun at Boan University's latest attempt to raise money. Until then, consider this story filed in the "Truth Trumps Fiction" category.
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