December 12, 2014

My friends and colleagues at Oakland Community College (located in metro Detroit, Michigan) have come up with a brilliant fund-raising plan.  Auction off the chance to blow up an old, dilapidated building.  In fact, by the time you read this, the place may have already been "blowed up . . . real good."

Allow me to start by reminding people that I lived in and around Detroit for 15 years.  I have a great fondness for the city, for the Red Wings and Tigers (and if they didn't embarrass me, the Pistons), for the hope and promise that the city needs.  I have seen magnificent performances in the beauty of the Fox Theater; I have stared in awe at gothic-style churches on Grand River Avenue; I have eaten spectacular ethnic cuisine in Greektown, Mexicantown, Royal Oak; I have lived fully the experience that is the Detroit Institute of Arts. Despite all of that, I feel I should start with a string of Detroit jokes.

“Blow up a dilapidated old building?” 

• “Better do it before it falls down on its own.” 
• “No, no, the one in the middle!!” 
• “I hear the local arsonist has already bid 10K.” 
• "We only raised $35 dollars, and $15 of it is in Canadian currency."
• “Why couldn’t it have been the Lions’ headquarters? I would have paid millions.”

Still, I will turn to the easier target.  As with my comments about Detroit, I feel the same about higher education.  I live to watch proud graduates cross the stage every year at Commencement; I work with amazing faculty and staff members who are dedicated to student success; I have heard some of the most stimulating conversations, both in the classroom and outside.  Despite all of that, I feel I should continue with a string of College jokes.

Colleges are ticking time bombs for implosions.  A true fund-raiser wouldn’t sit around and wait for the old Arnold D. Snodgrass Field House to be condemned.  The opportunities to profit from bubbling combustion are much more prevalent.

• Is a new president on campus?  Fund-raise by having people pick how long it will take for relations between the new president and the faculty senate to implode.  50 days?  182 days?  61 days?  17 minutes?
• How’s the football program doing?  7-5 and going to a bowl in Boise, Idaho, in December?  Fund-raise by having people guess the total number of fire the coach postings in the comments section of the local online paper.
• Have a faculty member who likes to push the envelope in class?  Fund-raise by having people guess what topic will set off a storm of controversy?  Tirade against conservative government?  Heck, that’s not even worth putting in a bid.  Lambast of Greek culture on campus?  Get in line.  See who is really innovative in their thinking.
• Waiting to hear who the university’s commencement speaker will be?  Fund-raise by starting a pool regarding the controversy of the choice?  George Will?  Big Bucks.  Bill Cosby?  Even bigger bucks.

I guess there is no money to be made in projections of calm and quiet.