March 20, 2015

I found the strangest letter on my computer this week. It appears that my dogs have been writing various congressmen around the country. It made no sense until I saw this story today--a Nevada Senator has proposed that pets should be allowed to have medical marijuana.  Now I understand that my dogs found a willing ear (and one that doesn't flop goofily whenever they lay on the floor).

The letter is reproduced exactly below, although I have to admit the English major in me had to clean it up. It's amazing how illiterate my dogs are (really, guys, "caws" for "cause" and "blaws" for "blahs?" Crack some books, pretty boys!).

Dear Senator Richard "Tick" Segerblum,

We are writing congressmen and women around the country pleading for our cause: medical marijuana rights. 

After that turncoat Raul Labrador of Idaho, who traded our medical marijuana cause for one on national monument designation (name a dog who doesn't try to "mark" every monument in his or her sight), we turn to  you; after being stabbed in the back by that bastard Curt Clawson of Florida (who knows better about homeland security than a dog?), we turn to you; after being ignored by John Katko of New York (we know you see us, you stuck up priss), we turn to our last hope, you.

We never thought we would seek out a Tick, but you are our last hope.  We have carried you on our backs for years, so it is time for you to reward us.  You must introduce a bill that will allow dogs all over the world to get medical marijuana. It's the least you can do after sucking us (and taxpayers) dry for years.

For instance, I, Sylvester, have struggled with mental issues for years.  I was found wandering the streets of Dearborn and kept in a shelter for months before being adopted by my current family: big, smelly, educational guy, woman who cooks great food, and annoying little person.  I have never licked my current family members, afraid of whatever diseases I might pick up.  A car backfire or a gunshot will send me to the tiny bathroom in our house to hide for hours.  I have been known to recoil from a mouse.  For years when we had the loudest, most irritating bird, I regularly urinated at the base of his cage's table. Even I don't really know why I did it. Medical marijuana would really relax me and save my family from the tyranny of my paranoia or the depression of my blahs.  It is only because I refused to guard my home against vandals that my colleague, Marcus, is even in this home.

Speaking of me, I, Marcus am a genuine freak of nature.  Sired by a Newfoundland who hooked up with a Basset Hound (one of whom had a little of that stinking labrador in him or her), I barely can get myself off the ground. My legs hurt every day as I make the treacherous leap from floor to bed apparently miles off of the ground and back down again.  During the less than half a day I spent in captivity before being adopted, I was a mess of belly rash and frantic barking. My owners (said big, smelly, educational guy and the rest of them) have gotten rid of the rashes and yelled at me all day long to curb my barking.  That said, a nice dose of daily medical marijuana would ease the pain in my freakish legs and relax me enough so that I didn't bark every time a dandelion spills its seeds.  Wait, Sylvester is telling me that is not the best thing for me to write. Well, screw you Sylvester, this is MY part of the letter.  You ain't the alpha male around here!

So, to be blunt (see what we did there), Senator Segerblum, proposing a bill to legalize marijuana for pets is a simple thing you can do to make up for all of the head scratching you have caused us, Tick.  But be warned--don't include any stupid cats on the bill.  We know a bloodhound down the road who we will use to hunt down and kill you.

Sincerely,

Sylvester and Marcus (pics linked below, because after all who can ignore a posed dog)

Sylvester

Marcus

I'd like to say that I am completely horrified and want to yell "bad dogs!"  The truth of the matter, though, is that this is the most initiative I have ever seen either of them show.  Too bad the marijuana will take even that way.