December 13, 2016

Many years ago, I went to see my family doctor to complain about my general lethargy. He was a wonderful doctor who took lots of time to talk to me and run tests, and eventually he told me, "I think there could be as many as 19 reasons why you feel lethargic."  (I know he wasn't counting my boss at the time, as his name usually only came up during exam time, if you get my point -- so to speak.)

He wasn't being facetious, and his plan was to work methodically through a list, slowly eliminating each one as a primary factor until we found the one over-riding concern.  Unfortunately, he left the region and the medical group he was with, because, I have always surmised, he liked to talk to his patients at length to be a better doctor, and was probably fired by some pinhead administrator who only wanted to look at some patients-seen-per-hour metric.  I figure that if he had stayed my doctor, and I had stayed in that area, we probably would have identified my central problem right around 2016.

I have these thoughts as I lead SMC's Persistence & Completion Academy team, a group of faculty, administrators and staff, through a student retention and completion analysis project. This Academy, blessed by the Higher Learning Commission, is merely a more formal way for us to investigate why our students leave without completing their degrees, a project that SMC has, in essence, been working on for close to five years now.

In the case of this Academy, I think I would be ecstatic if we could say "we have identified 19 reasons why students are dropping out/leaving SMC."  19 seems a more feasible number.  No, I could probably easily identify 50 reasons. . .  and then have the honor of trying to initiate almost as many retention strategies.

Paul Simon almost had it right when he sang about "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover" in the 70's.  For us it's "50 Ways To Lose Your Learner."

"The problem is all within your reach," HLC said to me.
"The answer is easy if you take it logically.
We'd like to help you in your struggle to complete:
There must be fifty ways to lose your learner."

They said, "it's really not our habit to intrude.
Furthermore, we only counsel, you conclude,
But we'll repeat ourselves at the risk of being rude:
There must be fifty ways to lose your learner.
Fifty ways to lose your learner."

They just fall through the cracks, Jack.
Don't follow a plan, Stan.
Don't see learning as a joy, Roy.
School just ain't the place to be.
They find school a fuss, Gus.
They don't want to discuss much
Don't see goals as the key, Lee,
And they set themselves free.

They said, "it grieves us so to see you in such pain,
Wish there was something we could do to make students return again."
I said, "I appreciate that but would you please explain
About the fifty ways."

They said, "why don't you contact those who've vacated,
With that information, assess reasons that are weighted."
With their departure, we realize consulting is over-rated:
Yes, there must be fifty ways to lose your learner.
Fifty ways to lose your learner.

They just fall through the cracks, Jack.
Don't follow a plan, Stan.
Don't see learning as a joy, Roy.
School just ain't the place to be.
They find school a fuss, Gus.
They don't want to discuss much.
Don't see goals as the key, Lee,
And they set themselves free.

[And since I always felt Simon short-changed us by only naming 5 of the 50 ways, here's my disco version with the other 45 ways we lose our learners.]

They run out of financial aid, Dade.
Wanna be closer to home, Homes.
They had their car die, Sly.
School just ain't the place to be.
They're apathetic and lazy, Daisy.
They don't want to work much.
Don't connect with others, Brother,
And they set themselves free.

They fail a gatekeeper course, Morse.
Don't read their email, Shemale.
Have an un-supportive spouse, Faust.
School just ain't the place to be.

They party like it's 1999, Tyne.
Adult freedom is a little too much.
Their parents forced them to go, Flo.
And they set themselves free.

You give them the run-around, Clown.
Don't give them a safe space, Ace.
You just coddle them too much, Dutch.
School just ain't the place to be.
You don't hold their hands, Dan,

Especially with the place a bit much.
Or they have no choice, Boyce,
And they set themselves free.

They got a better job, Rob.
Moved to a new city, Kitty.
They're sporting a baby bump, Chump.
School just ain't the place to be.
They had a parent expire, Sire.
They can't concentrate much.
Had an ugly break-up, Jacob,
And they set themselves free.

They don't want to take math, Kath.
8 AM too early to get out of bed, Fred.
They got seriously ill, Bill.
School just ain't the place to be.
It's all so painfully dull, Cull.
They can't concentrate much.
Can get a job without the degree, Bea.
They can set themselves free.

Can't get a close enough parking spot, Dot.
Can't handle anything less than an "A," Jay.
They keep doing major switches, bitches.
School just ain't the place to be.
They hate the online work, Mork.
They can't concentrate much.
Can't afford the texts, Rex,
They can set themselves free.

They're working 40 hours and more, Dorr.
You kicked them out of the dorm, Norm.
Tired of being lectured, Hector.
School just ain't the place to be.
They're going to be deployed, Lloyd.
They can't concentrate much.
Suffering from PTSD, Dee.
They can set themselves free.

Too proud to get more help, Delp.
Won't see their prof during office hour, Howard.
They still have fees overdue, Lou.
School just ain't the place to be.
They hate their roommate, Nate,
They can't concentrate much.
Spend all their time playing games, James.
They can set themselves free.

Going for a higher degree anyway, Fay.
Don't have no online options, Hopkins.
Won't let them have a therapy pet, Rhett.
School just ain't the place to be.
Tired of your surveys, Herve,
They can't concentrate much.
They won't tell you the truth, Ruth.
Might as well set yourselves free.

Come to think of it, trying to analyze human behavior for predictable patterns in order to get 18-year old students to do what is best for them. . .That's been my whole life since leaving the classroom.

Dr. Joslyn, I think we now have 20 reasons for my lethargy.