September 10, 2014

In what has to be the most ridiculous case of "my words were taken out of context," a college Trustee has apologized for his statement that some faculty should "go to hell."  Fed up with faculty members sending anonymous letters, the Athens State Trustee issued his pithy statement, then backtracked to imply that he was misquoted: "I said that I wanted cohesiveness between the administration, the faculty and the board and together we can turn the morale problem around."

As sad as this brief incident is, it speaks highly to the environment on many campuses today.  On the one hand, there are faculty and staff who would complain about everything, who would resist all change, who would stay rooted to antiquated belief systems that can hold their institutions back. On the other hand, there are administrators who are not transparent, who do demand "my way or the highway," and who don't truly understand the challenges of the classroom, the advising office, the tutoring center.  Add on top of that Board of Trustees' members who remain disconnected from their institutions, who listen only to their presidents, who know very little about education, and it is a mess. For Trustee Luvvorn to tell faculty members to go to hell, he is basically telling them to stay right where they are.

So, I am most fascinated by this idea of being so dramatically mis-quoted.  The always hilarious The Cronk runs an occasional series of Higher Ed Translations, geared to clarifying the obscurity that is higher ed lingo. In addition, I would love these trustees and administrators to be a little cleverer than simply admonishing faculty to "go to hell."  I mean, don't they at least watch enough movies to steal some of cinema's greatest putdowns and rants.

• Steal from The Untouchables: "I want him dead. I want his family dead. I want his house burned to the ground."  Then when the press comes around, issue your correction:  "Professor X raises a legitimate point about executive salaries.  Like him, we have families and mortgages that we need to protect."
• Borrow from The Empire Strikes Back: "Why you stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerfherder!"  At the time for correction: "Professor X's Ph.D. from named university makes his voice, even when accompanied by his unshaven visage for an early morning strategic planning meeting, a valuable addition to our conversations."
• Tap into the feel-good animated Alladin: "YOU are a worthless street rat. You were born a street rat, you'll die a street rat, and only your FLEAS WILL MOURN YOU!"   Correction: "Your opinion matters very much, Professor X.  You have been true to your beliefs since we hired you and will stay that way long after your grad students mourn your retirement."
• Use the treasure trove that is A Fish Called Wanda: “To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. I’ve known sheep who could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs, but you think you’re an intellectual, don’t you, ape?”  Correction:  "Professor X is a leading scholar in  his field and we are very lucky to have him associated with the college. The rest of us aren't even fit to wear his clothes."
• Resort to the classic Gone With The Wind: "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."  Correction: 'Of course, I care dearly about the faculty's opinions."
• Get silly with some Monty Python and The Holy Grail: "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries." Correction:  Professor X's family has been one of the college's greatest supporters and we can't thank them enough for their annual $100 donation."
• Rip off some The Witches of Eastwick: "You're not even interesting enough to make me sick."  Correction:  "Please, sir, tell us another story of how you inspire your students!"

I guess what I am hoping is that our academic leadership can stick their feet in their mouths in much more entertaining ways and then extract them with better corrections.  We're the highest level of educational institutions; our mistakes should reflect that too!

 * Hell, Michigan, is an actual town near Ann Arbor, Michigan.  I leave it to others to make any Wolverine jokes.