June 24, 2011: "Uh, One More Case . . ."

Peter Falk passed away today, and with him the hopes of just one more episode of Columbo. Sure, Falk hadn't made a Columbo in close to a decade and might have become too old for the role, but if a graying Harrison Ford can be dragged out for another Indiana Jones movie, I certainly hoped Falk could be coerced for one more Columbo.  Surprisingly, Columbo only investigates one murder on a college campus (Columbo Goes to College -1990), but that's about rich students killing a faculty member who threatens to expose their cheating.  

How blase?  How cliche?  Rip the shirt (a little Cheech and Chong reference).

The real money is when the murder happens further up the Ivory Tower.

Since Columbo makes no appearance in It's All Academic, here's my summary of the perfect Columbo college episode.  Let's call it Columbo, College, and Cologne.

President Lafayette (played by George Hamilton) is having an affair with a sultry staff member at Hallowed Halls U.  Desperate, soon-to-be-denied-tenured faculty member, Jeffrey Stone (played by David Schwimmer) trails Lafayette and his mistress to a seedy hotel and takes pictures of their escapades.  Standard blackmail, and as usual, standard blackmail inevitably ends up in standard murder.  The arrogant, facile Lafayette shoots Stone as he sits in his office.  

There is no reason to suspect Lafayette, and he appears to have an alibi.  He was wine-ing and dine-ing a Board member in his office, several buildings away on the Hallowed Halls campus at the time Stone was murdered.  The Board member stepped out of Lafayette's office for a few minutes to take an important call that Lafayette had asked one of his Vice Presidents to make.  That 5 minutes gives Lafayette enough time to slip into Stone's office and shoot him.  He then arranges the body and messes up the office to make it look like the murder might have been made by student or fellow faculty member.  During the movement, a small bottle of cologne falls out of the President's coat pocket and spills onto Stone's shirt sleeve.

Columbo, after parking illegally, arrives thoroughly disheveled.  When he sees Lafayette being told about the murder, he is surprised that the loquacious Lafayette asks if it was before or after Stone's Introduction to Medieval Warfare class.  Columbo asks a Vice President nearby if the President always knows every faculty member's teaching schedule.  The Vice President shrugs his shoulders and walks away.

Later as Columbo learns that Stone was hardly an exemplary faculty member, this observation by Lafayette bothers him more and more.   Furthermore, in Stone's office, he notices a strange smell, as if a perfume or a cologne, but the source of the smell is nowhere to be found. Eventually he asks to see the body at the morgue, and, after the usual sight gags of Falk swooning and toddling at the sight of the body, he notices the smell coming from Stone's sleeve.  He takes the shirt and has it analyzed.  It is Eau De Magnificent, a pricey men's cologne.  Now, he has to verify that Lafayette uses the same cologne.

Lafayette reeks of cologne every time Columbo talks to him, but it is not anywhere close to Eau de Magnificent.  Puzzled, he is stumped and not sure what to do next.  Meanwhile, he overhears a fight between Lafayette and his feisty lawyer wife, apparently about all of Lafayette's affairs.  With some good old-fashioned gumshoe work, he finds Lafayette's now spurned lover, who admits their affair.  She confirms that they both thought they were being followed.  

Sensing the kill, Columbo waits around for Lafayette after a Board meeting.  As Lafayette comes out of the board room, he smells Eau de Magnificent.  In his innocent way, he notes that Lafayette has never worn that cologne since Columbo met him.  Lafayette points out that it is so rare and pricey that he only wears it when meeting with the Board.  "How rare?" asks Columbo.  "I am assured by my dealer that no one else in the state buys it," the President confidently responds.  "Then, how do you explain it being at the murder scene?" Columbo asks.  Lafayette confidently battles Columbo, giving him no inch on whether the presence of the cologne proves anything. Eventually he pushes Columbo to accept that Stone could have picked up the smell earlier that day when he passed Lafayette in the hall.  "He could have brushed against me and the smell transferred to his shirt."  "How did you know it was on his shirt, President Lafayette," asks the triumphant Columbo.  Lafayette is brought down by his over-confident verbosity.