April 9, 2011: The Masters Isn't Good Enough Tournament:  Playing For The Elbow-patched Tweed Jacket

In honor of the April event that is the Masters Golf Tournament (please, only whisper its name to allow Jim Nantz to follow up with a "tradition like no other"), I suggest a four-day grueling event for university faculty.  April is good enough, as it is "the cruelest month."

The 18 challenging "holes" to be completed each of the four days:
1) The Ideal Parking Spot -- Get car as close as possible to office (Par 750 yards).

2) The Confusing Request -- Befuddle department administrative assistant with off-the-wall request (Par 5 requests).

3) The Beverage -- Drink caffeine-laden beverage of choice to get through the day (Par 5 drinks).

4) The Committee Work -- Juggle multiple committee meetings on the same day (Par 3 meetings).

5) The Dissertation Advising -- Advise multiple graduate students on their dissertations (Par 7).

6) The Referred Journal Submission -- Submit same article to multiple journals (Par 4 submissions).

7) The Referred Journal Review -- Provide insightful comments to reviewed article (Par 10 comments).

8) The Obscure References -- Drop obscure references seamlessly into hallway discussions (Par 8 references).

9) The Lament -- Lament work-related topics to colleagues (Par 10 laments).

["Holes" 10 through 12 are the famous "Amen Corner."]

10) The Lecture -- Keep as many students as possible in a 200-seat lecture from leaving before the end of the lecture (Par 118 students).

11) The Office Hour -- Be accessible for full expectation of office hours (Par 10 hours a week).

12) The Maintenance of Patience --Remain composed in front of whiny student and helicopter mom (Par 14 minutes).

13) The Cigarette Break -- Sneak outside for cigarettes (Par 5 breaks).

14) The E-Mails -- Respond to all e-mails within 24 hours (Par 75% response rate).

15) The Phone Messages -- Return all phone calls within 20 hours (Par 48% response rate).

16) The Stack of Papers -- Grade overwhelming pile of student papers (Par 11 papers).

17) The Turnitin.com -- Check student papers for plagiarism via turnitin.com (Par 9 papers).

18) The Moments It's All Worth It -- Realize that students do value what you do (Par 2 realizations).