March 1, 2013:  Public Relations Nightmare

I've written before (August 8, 2011) about how on most days scanning the headlines on The Chronicle of Higher Education or Inside Higher Education can be depressing. Today's "The Ticker" on The Chronicle website may represent the most depressing list of headlines ever for higher education.  10 headlines: 8 outright scandals, 2 borderline embarrassments.  2 separate Sexual Assault incidents; Lack of monitoring of a sports program; Potential research animal abuse; accreditation issues; 2 Board of Regents' disclosure issues; and a settled lawsuit.  The other two stories are of the University of North Carolina checking to see if classes are actually being held and a president having to declare publicly that he will work more with his critics.

What is going on?  Who would ever want to read The Chronicle of Higher Education when it is simply a deluge of Higher Ed Gone Bad stories?

With all the scrutiny, sometimes fair, often unfair, higher education gets from legislators, it might be time for all of us to collectively hire a Public Relations person for higher ed, a James Carville to airbrush out our warts, minimize our transgressions, and clarify our bone-headed public statements. 

The problem is, I don't think anyone would ever take the job. Can't you picture how this would play out?

Higher Ed:  Mr. Scarshill, thanks so much for meeting with us.

Jaded Scarshill:  My pleasure.  So, tell me what are your problems?

Higher Ed:  Athletic Scandals. You know, sexual assault, academic dishonesty, illegal payments, that sort of stuff.

Jaded Scarshill:  Child's play. Don't sweat it.  We'll simply talk about how our athletes are the pawns in the system of the NCAA, exploited young men and women who make millions of dollars for colleges and universities, but receive none themselves. It's a story I've spun a thousand times.

Higher Ed:  Great!  Well, we also have a number of accreditation issues, especially among our newer members

Jades Scarshill:  No biggie either.  They're scapegoats to the tyranny of too much interference, bureacracy and legislation.  We'll feature them in a series of stories about good institutions caught in the cross-hairs of a dangerous enemy.  We can probably get an NRA tie-in for more bang for our buck, well, for your buck.

Higher Ed:  Dang, I think I understand now why Mr. Sheen recommended you.  You are good.

Jaded Scarshill:  I may be good, but I'm not cheap.  C'mon, tell me more.

Higher Ed: We have some targets among our front line staff, especially faculty: research studies that have gone awry, questions about how hard our faculty work, challenges to how much they are paid.

Jaded Scarshill:  Well, that's not too surprising, I guess.  Thank God, you aren't secondary education. I don't think I can help those poor, stupid bastards.

Higher Ed:  Well, we would never be confused with secondary education.

Jaded Scarshill:  Don't be so sure. Anyway, give me the names and pictures of some of your newest faculty members.  I will recreate their images and their stories.

Higher Ed:  What do you mean?

Jaded Scarshill:  Give me an example of an embattled professor.

Higher Ed:  Well, for the sake of this discussion, let's say we have Professor X who has been accused of not holding classes, giving his students all "A's" and never holding office hours.

Jaded Scarshill:  Give me two days and Professor X emerges as the image of the professor of the future, telling students that time and space are dimensions that inhibit their learning and that he asks all students to meet with him around campus where lectures and discussions happen in real time and real space.

Higher Ed:  Holy crap, you are so worth that 5 million dollars.

Jaded Scarshill:  Plus, expenses. Don't forget expenses.  Anyway, anything else?

Higher Ed:  A number of our highest ranking officials, including some of our Board members, have been revealed as not always trust-worthy, of often trying to circumvent laws and rules about transparency.

Jaded Scarshill:  Hmm?  O.k. this is getting a little more challenging.  I think I might need to start writing this all down.  You got a pen?

Higher Ed: Uh, sure, here.

Jaded Scarshill:  Thanks.  {Reading side of pen}  'Marriott Hotels?'  Interesting. You sure you want to part with this.

Higher Ed:  Don't worry, I've got thousands of them.

Jaded Scarshill:  O.k., so I already have to sell exploited student athletes, pimp scapegoated institutions, and recast faculty members.  Now I need to work with two-faced industry leaders.  This is getting tough.

Higher Ed: Why?

Jaded Scarshill: C'mon, you gotta give me something to work with. Some sincere and honest portion of the industry that we can drive attention to in the worst of times, which frankly, is the dickens of the spot you are in.

Higher Ed:  I'm not sure how to help you. I thought we were paying you to help us.

Jaded Scarshill: There is only so much I can do.  You mean to tell me that you have absolutely no single feel-good story?

Higher Ed:  Well, we're building dormitories for stray cats?

Jaded Scarshill: That's all you got?  Forget about it.  I'm going to accept that offer from the banking industry to represent them. I'm getting too old for this kind of stuff.