|Let's See What They Do With Fundraising Campaign Finance Reform
September 2, 2015
Out of all of the possibilities of interesting subterfuge that might emerge from the release of Hillary Clinton's emails, the idea that someone proposed to her a university in her name has to be way down the list of doozies. And, yet, that is apparently what some Texas adman did, proposing an HRCU in Hillary's name.
We already have had Trump University, a failed, perhaps even a scam of a, university.
It seems only obvious that every presidential candidate needs a university in their name. And if they get the job, then you know the library will eventually get built. Who says the library is a dying insitution? Every president has to have one in his (still can use that gender) name.
So, let me turn pitchman:
Scott Walker, we present to you the Walker College of Walking Out, seeing that you are a college drop-out. As president, you can eliminate that tricky graduation rate as a metric for colleges.
Jeb Bush, let's link you forever to your brother with Two Bush College, where the motto is "another diploma in hand is not worth two with the Bushes." Rumor has it that the frat parties there will be epic.
Vice-President Biden, we know you haven't declared yourself a candidate for President, but can't you see yourself as President of Biden Time University? The motto: "as a student here you will be as close as you will ever get to the Ivy League."
Mike Huckabee, you know Huckabee U. is a no-brainer. We can even just steal the "I Heart Huckabees" movie title and use it for our marketing.
Bernie Sanders, I propose you never actually even show up on your campus, the No B.S. University. It will be such an independent entity, it will even eschew accreditation.
Chris Christie, it's a gimme to establish the Christ(ie) College. We won't even propose any education programs, and we would encourage you to stay far removed from any summer bridge programs for high schoolers to get into college early.
Ben Carson, we propose the College of Ben Carson, if for no other reason than the fact that CBC can provide associations with the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, which as a native Detroiter like you knows, is that other "weird" option on our t.v. sets, showing curling while American stations are showing football.
Rand Paul, to avoid any confusion with the college being named after your father (since no one can remember who is Ron and who is Rand), we recommend you start Fillibuster University. FU would be known for endlessly long lectures and a curriculum made up entirely of Ayn Rand works.
Rick Perry, it is only natural to have you start Perry Trinity University, built upon the three essential values of a PTU education: service, knowledge, and . . . what is that other one? Oops!
Marco Rubio, the Marco Rubio Institute (MRI) can sing the praises of its journalism program, which promises to show the inner workings of that liberal trash, the New York Times.
Carly Fiorina, in an effort to get the younger voters, we encourage you to start ICarly University. Who cares if first-time voters stumble on your website or news stories by thinking they are following Miranda Cosgrove? At this point, we need to get you some kind of name recognition.
Good luck, all, finding your provosts. I recommend you search via cable news anchors. They certainly like to think they are more intelligent than the rest of us.