David Fleming
It's All Academic   www.davidflemingsite.com   
Higher Education Headlines We Really Want To See: Updated February 25, 2013

February 22, 2013:  A few more headlines from higher education that would be much more interesting with a sloppy editor.

"Students Hold Protest of Emory President" (Inside Higher Ed, Feb 25, 2013)

"Students Hold Protest of Amoral President" (O.k., so maybe this is not a typo according to the students cited in this article.  Or, to those who have worked with questionable presidents.)

"The New Face of Higher Education:  Why 'College-Lite' Simply Will Not Cut It" (Huffington Post, Feb 25, 2013)

"The New Face of Higher Education:  Why Cellulite Will Not Be Cut."  (So, I took some liberties with sloppy editing.  However, I couldn't resist.  Is anyone in higher education really willing to cut the subcutaneous fat?  Gee, and I am not surprised that reference to subc. fat immediately got turned into a hyperlink?)

"The Ph.D. Bust:  America's Awful Market For Young Scientists--in 7 Charts" (The Atlantic, Feb 20, 2013)

"The Ph.D. Lust:  America's Awful Market For Young Scientists--in 7 Charts" (Where does a a young Ph.D. go to find companionship?)

"Columbia Freshmen Are Baffled by Physics Professor's Stripped-Down Stunt" (Chronicle of Higher Ed, Feb 19, 2013)

"Columbia Freshmen Are Baffled by Physics Professor's Stripped-Down Blunt" ("The Dude didn't have nearly enough to pass around to a class of 400 students.  What the heck was he thinking?")

"Graduate Sues Arm of Corinthian Colleges Over Alleged Fraud" (Chronicle of Higher Ed, Feb 19, 2013)

"Graduate Sues ATM of Corinthian Colleges Over Alleged Fraud" ("They told me there would be no additional fees for using an ATM not attached to my bank, but they keep hitting me with a $2.50 surcharge!")

 

February 13, 2013:  A few more headlines from higher education that would be much more interesting with a sloppy editor.

"Hurricane Scientist Settles Suit Against Louisiana State U. Over Lost Contract" (Chronicle of Higher Ed, February 12, 2013)

"Hurricane Scientist Settles Suit Against Louisiana State U. Over Lost Contact" (Gimme a break, the guy does research on hurricanes.  He's going to lose something with all that wind!)

 

"Study: Aid Alters Parental Contributions for Students" (Inside Higher Ed, February 12, 2013)

"Study: Maid Alters Parental Contributions for Students" (Well, duh, no more piles of laundry brought home every weekend.)

 

"Report Calls For Doubling Pell" (Inside Higher Ed, February 12, 2013)

"Report Calls for Doubting Pele" (Many of those soccer games were played without all the cameras current matches have, so can we be so sure of all of his goals?)

 

"German Education Minister, Stripped of Doctorate, Quits" (Inside Higher Ed, February 11, 2013)

"German Education Minister, Stripped of Doctorate, Quilts" (Because sometimes one wants to fall back on making warm blankets when stripped.)

 

"University in Singapore Lifts Ban on Condom Sales" (Inside Higher Ed, February 8, 2013)

"University in Singapore Lifts Ban on Condor Sales" (I'm sure no one expected me to change the word 'condom' in this example, but this is just my cheap ploy to spread, even more virally, this hilarious video of the mascot getting loose at a Bakersfield Condors hockey game.  [The video is at the end of the article and most of the fun is listening to the announcers.]  So, anyway, U of Singapore. Shame on you for exploiting these great birds! Shame on you!)

 

February 1, 2013:  A few more headlines from higher education that would be much more interesting with a sloppy editor.

"In Standing Up For Big Ag, Are Universities Undercutting Their Own Researchers?" (Chronicle of Higher Ed, February 1, 2013)

"In Standing Up For Big Abs, Are Universities Undercutting Their Own Researchers?" (Of course they are.  Your average researcher is way too busy and pre-occupied to hit the gym.)

 

"Students Urge U. Of California To Drop Cap On Health-Care Coverage" (Chronicle of Higher Ed, January 31, 2013)

"Students Urge U. of California To Drop Crap On Health-Care Coverage" (Everyone eventually gets tired or the rhetoric and begs for some actual action)

 

"To Avoid Nasty Surprises, Higher Ed Turns to Prediction" (Information Week, January 28, 2013)

"To Avoid Nasty Surprises, Higher Ed Turns to Predilection" (This is a no-brainer.  If you don't like broccoli, you avoid it like the plague and substitute chocolate cake.)

 

"Cedarville U. Eliminates Philosophy Major" (Inside Higher Ed, January 29, 2013)

Actually, no change.  Considering that philosophy is probably an unappealing major in today's world, let's just consider this headline referencing the sole kid majoring in philosophy at Cedarville "sleeping with da fishes." 

 

1/25 Updated headlines that would be much more interesting with typos.

"Report Calls For Block-Granting Pell" (Inside Higher Ed, January 25, 2013)

"Report Calls for Glock-Granting Pell" (Makes sense now that the NRA wants more guns on campus to protect us against the loonies with guns.  Let's just financial aid them.)

"Professor Hopes for Insight Into 'What MIT Did or Didn't Do' In Swartz Case" (Chronicle of Higher Ed, January 24, 2013)

"Professor Hopes for Insight Into 'What MITT Did or Didn't Do' in Schwartz Case" (O.k., I allow for three typos here, because I would love to see if Mitt Romney could have carried Michigan, and the very Democratic Metro Detroit area, if he could have improved the horrendous coaching of the Lions' Head Coach.)

 "Georgia State U. To Grant Course Credit for MOOCs" (Chronicle of Higher Ed, January 22, 2013)

"Georgia State U. To Grant Course Credit for BMOCs" (So, they finally formalized what's been going on for the star quarterback and star point guard for years.  And, you know, I have been waiting for my first MOOC opportunity since I started this headlines thing.  Now if I can start working in some cow -- and cowbell -- jokes).

"Congressman Asks Higher One for Information on Student Debit-Card Fees(Chronicle of Higher Ed, January 22, 2013)

O.k, I don't even want to change this headline. I just wonder if Representative Miller got an answer from the "Higher One", and did it come in the form of a burning couch?

 

1/21  More headlines that would be much more interesting with a single typo.

As before, the real headlines are in light greenThe preferred headlines are in dark blue.

 

"New 'Right To Work' Laws Could Hobble Faculty Unions" (Chronicle of Higher Ed, January 14, 2013)

"New 'Right to Cork' Laws Could Hobble Faculty Unions" (Don't get between tenured professor and his/her alcohol!)

 

"AMA Begins $10M Effort to Spur Change in Medical Education" (Inside Higher Ed, January 18, 2013)

"AMA Begins $10 Effort to Spur Change in Medical Education" (Back to grave robbing for cadavers, I suppose.)

 

"Higher Education Leaders Support California Governor's Plan" (KTVL news, January 17, 2013)

"Higher Education Leaders Support California Governor's Flan" (Governor Brown makes a damn fine custard)

 

"Colorado Democrats Split Over Tax Credits Versus Education Spending" (Denver Post, January 19, 2013)

"Colorado Democrats Spit Over Tax Credits Versus Education Spending" (Let's face it, we are convinced this is how our politicians behave anyway, right?)

 

"Flood of Investment, Products Stirs Fears of Education 'Tech Bubble'" (Education Week, January 15, 2013)

"Flood of Investment, Products Stirs Fears of Education 'Tech Babble'" (It doesn't take very long to hear all that babble.)

 

 

 

Today, I start a semi-regular column, recognizing that I defend my right to define "semi-regular" as at least once and with probably no regularity:  Higher Education Headlines We Really Want To See, based very loosely on Cracked.com's truly regular photoplasty contests usually focusing on a single letter change.  (See an example here.)

So far, January has been very kind, with several excellent candidates.

The real headlines are in light green.  The headlines we really would like to see are in dark blue.

"East Carolina U. Fights With Cisco over Marketing Slogan" (Chronicle of Higher Ed, January 11, 2013)

"East Carolina U. Fights With Crisco over Marketing Slogan."  (Perhaps, "It's digestable!")

 

"AAUP Releases Revised Statement on Faculty Status of College Librarians" (Chronicle of Higher Ed, January 11, 2013)

"AAUP Releases Revised Statement on Faulty Status of College Librarians" (Well, you're expected to publish like faculty, but don't expect any of the glory.)

 

"Shrinking Payoff of Earning an MBA"  (Inside Higher Ed, January 7, 2013)

"Shrinking Playoff of Earning an MBA" (We've now moved on to the Elite Eight, Wharton Business School, #1 seed, still alive)

 

"Unlikely Critic of the SAT" (Inside Higher Ed, January 4, 2013)

"Unlikely Critic of PAT" (Garo Yepremian believes more teams should force the kicker to pass for the extra point?)

 

"New Members for House Education Committee" (Inside Higher Ed, January 3, 2013)

"New Members for Horse Education Committee" (We can probably get the same guys who are part of the pig education committee and the ass education committee.)