January 23, 2015
A high school principal has started the canned food drive to beat all canned food drives. She isn't collecting them to feed the itinerant. She's collecting them to bean the invader. To her credit, she does plan to give the food to the local pantry at the end of the year, provided they haven't had to use it.
I know there is absolutely nothing funny about school lockdowns, crazed killers, scared kids and brave teachers. Nevertheless, the image this creates lends itself too much to slapstick. Ultimately, It's a sitcom writer's dream: Home (Room) Alone. Except that all the best lines have already been in sitcoms, movies or other parts of our popular culture.
Sit back and imagine the aftermath of an incident: Armed intruder laying on the floor, knocked unconscious while the policemen investigate:
Officer Stivic: How could a can of cling peaches do so much damage?
Teacher Bunker: Maybe it was the heavy syrup.
Officer (to another child): Why did you throw that little can of fruit and not that big can of corn?
Little Jerry Seinfeld: I wanted to get rid of it. Why would anyone eat canned fruit? Can you answer me that?
Officer (to another child): But did you have to throw every can?
Little Marie Barrone: Oh, nothing good comes from a can.
Little Cowboy: And then I said to the intruder, "how about some more beans, Mr. Taggart."
Teacher: And I said to his fallen body, "I believe you've had enough."
Officer to Crime Tech: Carefully, pick up and bag the evidence. That corn, those peas, those yams.
Crime Tech: What about the spam over there?
Officer: I don't want any spam!
Officer (to child): What was it your buddy threw?
Little Bob Prince: It was a #8 Can of Golden Bantam!
Little Bob Prince: He dropped a can of corn!
(For old-time Pittsburgh Pirates' fans)
Ending with a baseball reference seems appropriate: wouldn't everyone want the star pitcher in their class?