March 11, 2018

Every once in awhile when I am looking for something interesting in higher education for blogging purposes, I check the jobs listed on Chronicle of Higher Ed.  It usually results in nothing beyond the pathetic image of 100s of "qualified" candidates seeking the one tenure-track history position listed in the country.

However, that changed this weekend.  The Male Contraception Initiative in North Carolina is seeking an Executive Director.  And as usual, the salary will be determined by how it is commensurate with experience.  How the hell does one gain experience in this area? {"I've been handling rubber for 20 years now."}  Or maybe more importantly how does one prove experience in this area? {"Here's a doctor's note proving I had a vasectomy in 2014.")

One of the first core responsibilities is "relationship building?"  Wouldn't that pretty much be a given for someone with experience in the male contraception field?  You can't test those things alone, can you?  The temptation is to go for the joke and say that many teenage boys have been testing them alone for years, but, the best tests requires one to, as Paul McCartney and Wings infamously put it in 1979, go "back to the egg" (or to the egg for the first time for most adolescent boys). A little later they stress the importance to identify and cultivate donors. Really?  Did their HR director giggle the whole time she wrote this job description.

The next essential responsibility covers "Organizational and Fiscal Management."  Our devious HR director certainly can't continue the innuendo through that mundane subject matter, can she?  Oh, I underestimate her (or more likely myself): "Move the board from hands-on to expert advisory and governing roles?"  {I am not putting that on you anymore, Johnny; use the technique you learned in class!"}

Within "Communications," it is expected that applicants can "demonstrate a clear vision of how advancing male contraceptive methods will make an impact in society." {Insert your own impact joke here.}  Within a few bullet points, the applicant is told he or she needs to be able to "deepen and expand relationship to scientific community."  {"Excuse me, Miss, I am looking for some test volunteers to help test this condom. It's for science!  Really!"}

Finally within the qualifications, there are the expected double entendres regarding oral skills, collegial style and great sense of humor (you listen to any woman and almost always the lack of a good sense of humor within a man is the best contraception method possible).  Meanwhile, the required Master's Degree can be in a related field.  What, "french letters?"  And we can't forget "successful implementation . . . with multiple partners." Yes, I cheated and took out a phrase so that this sounds dirtier than written. Ain't I a pill? 

I'd start working on my resume, but I am pretty sure I will be discriminated based upon my age.  Damn world is so unfair.