September 5, 2021
Watching college football this weekend with stadiums full of mask-less students, alumni and fans has brought me to a new realization. This year colleges everywhere are going to have to deal with the blight that will be their Delta Two Plus fraternal organization. Given that the Deltas may lead to Epsilon strains and Lamba variants, the entire Greek structure is in the hands of obstinate leaders like De(an) Wormer. When a horse dies in his office, the blood will be on his hands or at least in his veins.
Think about how this will play out:
De(an) Wormer: Greg, what is the worst fraternizing on this campus?
Greg: That would be hard to say, sir. We are all good at fraternizing.
DeWormer: Cut the horseshit, son. I've got the the medical files right here. What infected the whole swim team? What super-spreader event hit the alumni dinner? This Halloween the trees will be filled with the unworn masks. This season the stadium toilets will need to be closed.
Greg: You're talking about Delta, sir.
DeWormer: Of course I am talking about Delta, you twerp. This year it's gotta be different. This year we grab the bull by the balls and kick this junk off campus.
Greg: What do you intend to do, sir? Delta's already being quarantined.
DeWormer: They are?
Greg: Yes, sir.
DeWormer: Then as of now they are on double-secret segregation.
Greg: Double-secret segregation?
DeWormer: There is a little known codicil in the College Constitution which gives me the unlimited power to preserve order in time of campus emergency. Find me a way to revoke Delta's charter.
Frankly, the rest of the story barely has to change. The fraternizing will continue through parties, interactions with the townies, and interactions with students at a college up the road. A tough stance by Vernon DeWormer won't change anything and eventually the Homecoming events will be ruined. The 2021-2022 college yearbooks will be commemorated by the strains of Delta.
As Otis Day and the Knights sang, "say you will."
Knowledge is good.
Fat, drunk and infected is no way to get through life, son.