February 16, 2015

My "first wave" Sirius radio station loves to play "88 Lines About 44 Women" by the 80's band The Nails.  It's a catchy little tune that gets stuck in the head (hear original song here).  And for the last week it has been stuck in my head as "88 (Head)lines About 44 Colleges."  The only difficult part of turning this into a full-blown parody is narrowing down the stories to just 44.  Every one of the stories mentioned here has basically occurred since January 1.  Each institution is hyper-linked to the Inside Higher Ed story where I probably first saw it.

(If you care to follow along with the original lyrics, they can be found here, but recognize that I change the rhyme scheme and employ more faithful scansion!)

88 (Head)lines About 44 Colleges

UNC’s honor is at stake:

Sued for courses now known as fake.

Berkeley’s critics the prez eschewed:

Their students aren’t  like me or  you.

Auburn’s scoreboard is now so vast,

It’s now the largest at long last.

V.C.U. dropped the S.A.T.:

Get your app in A.S.A.P.

B.Y.U. can ban a man’s beard:

Don’t worry, no one thinks that’s weird.

Penn State’s complicity now ends

They have had restored Jo Pa’s wins.

Texas Tech’s also felt winter’s woe

When students shaped phallic snow.

King’s College’s desire to rebrand,

Underwhelmed, did not go as planned.

Kentucky’s players took a trip,

But caused angst with the receipt slip.

Ohio State used tear gasses

To dispel the happy masses.

Washington must have felt smacked

When learning the website was hacked.

Wisconsin’s mission, a shocker,

May be revised by Scott Walker.

Notre Dame tried to hem and haw,

But must heed Open Records Law.

Oklahoma fought White’s tactics,

Now are on agency’s blacklist.

Minn.’s Twin-Cities Student Sit-In

Led to campus police sent in.

Moncton’s video got dissed

On the grounds two students kissed.

Virginia’s Rolling Stone Forced Pact -

Result: two frats refused to back.

Western Michigan outs a dean,

Faculty thinks it’s too mean.

Oregon may not be at peace

With private records now released.

Seton Hall’s Med School now out back,

A partnership with Hackensack.

A Rice dorm room now loudly calls:

It holds thousands of plastic balls.

M.I.T.’s online contraption

Isn’t enough without  caption.

Florida renames its system:

The term ISIS merely pissed ‘em.

Louisiana College prof

Turns out to be faker to scoff.

Illinois wants to stop the Board

On faculty hiring accord.

Toronto must have blocked colon,

Fretting about paintings stolen.

Montclair hawk statue erected

Complaints about cost ejected.

Clemson won’t rename  a building

With racist’s name in the gilding.

UMass ends student informants'

Against-their-will performances.

Corinthian’s sale is postponed

Fifty-six campuses have groaned.

Ariel journal stats inflated:

Will find other way to be rated.

Bristol’s Eureka Moments dean

Is merely a title smokescreen.

U.D.C.  took something scary:

College of Marion Barry?

Tufts faculty: union did form

Tough discussions are now the norm.

Paine suspends football for two years,

No-one outside of Georgia cares.

Dixie’s Rebel Statue traded:

Confederate past now faded.

Zurich took Philip Morris funds,

Cig-research paid by hired guns.

Northern Michigan Prez did ski

To inductment ceremony.

Georgia State gives artists leeway,

Leads police closing freeway.

Boston refuses to divest

Gun company money’s life vest.

St. Louis courts county’s indicter

Angering Ferguson’s rioters.

Bryn Mawr accepts the transgended,

The women’s college stance blended.

Seattle Pacific cracks door

Open to the homeless and poor.

DuPage gives president buyout,

An action more schools should try out.