|88 (Head)lines About 44 Colleges
February 16, 2015
My "first wave" Sirius radio station loves to play "88 Lines About 44 Women" by the 80's band The Nails. It's a catchy little tune that gets stuck in the head (hear original song here). And for the last week it has been stuck in my head as "88 (Head)lines About 44 Colleges." The only difficult part of turning this into a full-blown parody is narrowing down the stories to just 44. Every one of the stories mentioned here has basically occurred since January 1. Each institution is hyper-linked to the Inside Higher Ed story where I probably first saw it.
(If you care to follow along with the original lyrics, they can be found here, but recognize that I change the rhyme scheme and employ more faithful scansion!)
88 (Head)lines About 44 Colleges
UNC’s honor is at stake:
Sued for courses now known as fake.
Berkeley’s critics the prez eschewed:
Their students aren’t like me or you.
Auburn’s scoreboard is now so vast,
It’s now the largest at long last.
V.C.U. dropped the S.A.T.:
Get your app in A.S.A.P.
B.Y.U. can ban a man’s beard:
Don’t worry, no one thinks that’s weird.
Penn State’s complicity now ends
They have had restored Jo Pa’s wins.
Texas Tech’s also felt winter’s woe
When students shaped phallic snow.
King’s College’s desire to rebrand,
Underwhelmed, did not go as planned.
Kentucky’s players took a trip,
But caused angst with the receipt slip.
Ohio State used tear gasses
To dispel the happy masses.
Washington must have felt smacked
When learning the website was hacked.
Wisconsin’s mission, a shocker,
May be revised by Scott Walker.
Notre Dame tried to hem and haw,
But must heed Open Records Law.
Oklahoma fought White’s tactics,
Now are on agency’s blacklist.
Minn.’s Twin-Cities Student Sit-In
Led to campus police sent in.
Moncton’s video got dissed
On the grounds two students kissed.
Virginia’s Rolling Stone Forced Pact -
Result: two frats refused to back.
Western Michigan outs a dean,
Faculty thinks it’s too mean.
Oregon may not be at peace
With private records now released.
Seton Hall’s Med School now out back,
A partnership with Hackensack.
A Rice dorm room now loudly calls:
It holds thousands of plastic balls.
M.I.T.’s online contraption
Isn’t enough without caption.
Florida renames its system:
The term ISIS merely pissed ‘em.
Louisiana College prof
Turns out to be faker to scoff.
Illinois wants to stop the Board
On faculty hiring accord.
Toronto must have blocked colon,
Fretting about paintings stolen.
Montclair hawk statue erected
Complaints about cost ejected.
Clemson won’t rename a building
With racist’s name in the gilding.
UMass ends student informants'
Corinthian’s sale is postponed
Fifty-six campuses have groaned.
Ariel journal stats inflated:
Will find other way to be rated.
Bristol’s Eureka Moments dean
Is merely a title smokescreen.
U.D.C. took something scary:
College of Marion Barry?
Tufts faculty: union did form
Tough discussions are now the norm.
Paine suspends football for two years,
No-one outside of Georgia cares.
Dixie’s Rebel Statue traded:
Confederate past now faded.
Zurich took Philip Morris funds,
Cig-research paid by hired guns.
Northern Michigan Prez did ski
To inductment ceremony.
Georgia State gives artists leeway,
Leads police closing freeway.
Boston refuses to divest
Gun company money’s life vest.
St. Louis courts county’s indicter
Angering Ferguson’s rioters.
Bryn Mawr accepts the transgended,
The women’s college stance blended.
Seattle Pacific cracks door
Open to the homeless and poor.
DuPage gives president buyout,
An action more schools should try out.