August 16, 2014

As the summer ends and Labor Day approaches, t.v. shows more and more frequently the classic movie Jaws.  In fact, that's how I just spent my last three hours.  However, it put me in mind that this is the time of year that colleges and universities ponder and speculate about their fall enrollments.  This is especially a concern when a college or university is experiencing an enrollment dip.  It struck me tonight that those August conversations at insititutions represent their own horror movie, one we can also call Jaws.

Our three heroes:

Still-uncomfortable-in-his-role Chief (Academic Officer) Brody

Cocky-outsider Educational Consultant Hooper

Grizzled-Steerer-of-Enrollment Quint

Some of the pivotal scenes:

Early in summer, enrollment numbers are already not looking good.   Based upon concerns of Chief Brody, a "town hall" meeting is called to allow nervous front-row staff to address concerns to President Vaughn.

Vaughn: Uh, any special questions?

Staff Member: Is that 3-week vacation enrollment bonus immediate or only during college-approved time off?

Vaughn: I don't think that's funny at all. I'm sorry.  Chief?

Brody: I just want to tell you about the plans to . . .

Staff member:  What about the course cancellations, Chief?  Are you going to cancel classes?

Brody: Well, we're going to put some special waitlists on some courses, and then we're going to try and watch no-pays.

Staff member: Are you going to cancel classes?

Brody:  Uh, yes, we are.  Yes, we are.

President Vaughn:   Not until the end of August, folks.

Brody: (Looking at Vaughn): I didn't agree to that.

Quint: {Tries scratching fingernails on whiteboard; everyone turns around to see what is causing the pathetic sound}:Y'all know me. Know how I earn a livin'. I'll bring these birdies in for you, but it ain't gonna be easy. Bad siuation. Not like going down the high school chasin' juniors and seniors. This competition will eat you whole. Few students at Phoenix, a few at Southern New Hampshire an' down you go. And we gotta do it quick, that'll bring back your tuition, put all your departments on a paid-for basis. But it's not gonna be pleasant. I value my reputation a lot more than three weeks off, chief. I'll find them for three, but I'll catch them, and enroll them, for ten. But you've gotta make up your minds. If you want to stay alive, then ante up. If you want to play it cheap, be on welfare the whole winter. I don't want no committees, I don't want no mates, there's just too many captains in this school. 10 weeks for me by myself. For that you get the heads, the butts, the whole damn thing in the seats.

Later, Brody and Hooper try to convince Vaughn that the situation is truly dire:

Vaughn: I'm only trying to say that Amity is an open-enrollment institution. We need tuition dollars. Now, if the students can't come here, they'll be glad to go to the likes of Kaplan, Ivy Tech or Ashford.

Brody: That doesn't mean we have to sign them up for free room and board.

Vaughn: I don't think either of you are familiar with our problems.

Hooper: I think that I am familiar with the fact that you are going to ignore this particular problem until it is too late and the Board bites you in the ass.  Dr. Vaughn, what we are dealing with here is a perfect storm, a deus ex machina.

Vaughn: Huh?

Hooper: It's really a miracle of de-evolution. All this machine does is eat up federal aid, fire up your congressmen, and make students go elsewhere.

Vaughn: You would like that, wouldn't you, get your name in the Chronicle.  Fellows, let's be reasonable, huh? This is not the time or the place to perform some kind of a half-assed autopsy on an enrollment plan. And I'm not going to stand here and see that thing cut open and see my strategic plan come tumbling out.

But, of course, the ultimate jawing comes with Brody, Hooper and Quint at a retreat on a boat: a pontoon donated by one of the college's more prosperous alumni:

Quint: [referring to a cut on Brody's spreadsheet] Chief... don't you worry about it, Chief. It won't be permanent. Wanna see somethin' permanent, boom-boom-boom?

[Quint pulls out the previous year's enrollment budget and laughs]

Quint: Hey, Hoop, you wanna see somethin' permanent? You just look at my leg here and you just see that little bump. Got that standing on a street corner drumming up students for a week straight in Boston.

Hooper: I got that beat. [to Brody] I got that beat.  [Shows scar on calf] Got that when I tackled a potential student in a parking lot. Dragged him back in and signed him up for 18 credits.

Quint: You wanna drink? Drink to your leg.

Hooper: I'll drink to your leg.

Quint: Okay, so we drink to our legs!

[both laugh]

Hooper: I got the creme de la creme. Right here. Hold on. Yeah, you see that?

[takes off his t-shirt, showing a very hairy chest]

Brody: You're wearing a sweater!

Hooper: [points to a scar on chest] Fired from Boan. Broke my heart.

[Hooper, Brody and Quint all laugh]

Brody: [To Quint] What's that?

Quint: This tattoo?  Antioch College?

Hooper: You were at Antioch?

Brody: What happened?

Quint: Board of Trustees slammed torpedoes into our side, Chief. The faculty association had just delivered the contract. The last contract. 260 students and over a 100 staff out the door. College was shut down in twelve months. Didn't see the board of trustees the whole time. A few declarations. Nothing meaningful. You know, you know that when you're in the dark, chief? You tell by the lack of evidence. Well, we didn't know. 'Cause our association had been so hated no distress signal had been sent, huh. They didn't even list us overdue for a week. Very first light, chief. The corporate sharks come cruisin'. So we formed ourselves into tight groups. You know it's... kinda like 'ol squares in battle like uh, you see on a calendar, like the battle of Waterloo. And the idea was, the corporate shark goes to the nearest man and then he'd start demonstratin' and hollerin' and screamin' and sometimes the shark would go away. Sometimes he wouldn't go away. Sometimes that shark, he looks right into you. Right into your eyes. You know the thing about a shark, he's got... lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eye. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be livin'. Until he stabs ya and those black eyes roll over white. And then, ah then you hear that terrible high pitch screamin' and the tide turns red and spite of all the poundin' and the hollerin' they all come in and rip you to pieces. Y'know by the end of that first dawn, lost a hundred men! I don't know how many corporate sharks, maybe a thousand! I don't know how many men, they averaged six an hour. On Thursday mornin' chief, I bumped into a friend of mine, Herbie Robinson from Cleveland. Biology instructor. I thought he was asleep, reached over to wake him up. Bobbed up and down in the water, just like a kinda top. Up ended. Well... his pension had been ripped and shredded. Noon the fifth day, Mr. Hooper, a media copter saw us, he swung in low and he saw us. He's a young pilot, a lot younger than Mr. Hooper, anyway he saw us and come in low. And three hours later a big fat PBY comes down and start to pick us up. You know that was the time I was most frightened? Waitin' for my turn. I'll never put tie to a union again. So, about four hundred men went out the door, sixteen men survived, the sharks took the rest, July the 1, 2008. Anyway, Antioch University is still around.

Quint: [After lengthy silence]:Show me the way to sign up / I'm tired and I want to get a degree

Hooper: [singing] Show me the way to sign up / I'm tired and I want to go to get a degree

Hooper, Quint, Brody: [all singing together] I had a little drink about an hour ago and it got right to my head / Whomever I get to enroll/ by actual or stretch goal.

[Later, Brody looks out to see all of the college's administrative staff rowing to the pontoon]:  We're going to need a bigger boat.

[Finally, they convince the college's most famous alumni, a surly rapper, to do a commercial for the college. As the last days of August come, the rapper is still being surly. Brody realizes he has to take matters into his own hands, grabs the video camera]: Smile you son-of-a-bitch.  [Alumni rapper gives a big smile, gold teeth flashing brightly.]

[Last scene has the rest of the administrative staff passed out drunk on the pontoon, with Brody and Hooper rowing back to shore]:

Brody: What day is this?

Hooper: It's uh the day after Labor Day.

Brody: Think the numbers came in?

Hooper: Keep praying.

Brody: I used to hate enrollment meetings...

Hooper: I can't imagine why.