December 16, 2015

This week's news of a research study vindicates me, exculpates me.  Researchers at Marist College and the Massachusetts College of Liberal Arts have produced research findings that indicate that people who swear a lot have a greater vocabulary than those who don't.

Damn straight!

For the record, I don't know if I swear a lot, but what I don't have in frequency, I make up in pure shock value.  Students knew to expect some well-placed f-bombs in classes and I have been known to punctuate a meeting with a well-timed swear word.  When you are faced with threats on campus, or pinheaded intrusions from government, you better have an arsenal of appropriate words to capture your frustration.

The crux of the research involved asking participants to record as many swear words and as many animal names as they could within 60 seconds (warning, some of the examples cited in the linked article show some creative minds when it comes to swearing).  So, I tried this. I will spare you my specific answers.

I did come, oops, identify, 26 swear words in 60 seconds and 29 animal names in 60 seconds.  I must say, I am incredibly disappointed in myself.  The survey in the study revealed 533 taboo words.  I didn't even get 5%.  F*ck. Looking back, why did I more easily write down "orangutan" than "hell?"  Forgetting "hell" is like forgetting the entire category of birds in the animal naming.

I want to know how I stack up (damn, "stack" reminds me of a whole category of swear words I could have identified) against the 43 participants in their study. 

Some other observations: since when, by the way, have the results of 43 f*ing chosen people become a standard for the rest of us.  Additionally, the study says that swearing a lot is the key, but not necessarily using a slew of distinctive swear words,  which is what I would correlate with an expansive vocabulary. As my friends and family know, when I really get frustrated or angry (hitting my thumb with a hammer, watching Dana Holgerson coach a WVU football game), I fall back on my most reliable swear phrase, the impressively redundant "f*ing whore."

I am not sure I am heartened or disheartened to read that there is "little difference between what men and women can come up with" in terms of swear words. I know what my male friends can come up with, and a lot of it is really disturbing.  Ladies, I so hoped you were the saviors of humankind.

Finally, apparently POV is not the borderline swear word that the internet has helped create. According to these researchers, POV refers to a "poverty of vocabulary," or, more specific to the study, that swearers do not have a poverty of vocabulary. I would have always thought that poverty, in general, led to lower educational attainment, greater hardship in life, and a greater need for cursing.  College is supposed to be the way out of general poverty, but I am sure WVU fans are not the only ones who find creative ways to curse their college sports teams.

In the end, I guess the good news is that Vladimir Putin has it all wrong.  As frequent readers of this website may remember, I mocked (aren't I the tough guy?) Putin for trying to criminalize swearing (May 15, 2014 blog).  The good news is that he is merely creating a nation of complete dolts, although I suppose a wealth of inarticulate Russians will help us in a debate, but not in a global conflict.